EP 20: The Christmas Entry

Remembering what Christmas was like in the Philippines, and right off the bat I can safely say that the holiday here is completely different to that of my homeland. Except for being both commercially oriented, Christmas here in Canada is basically boring compared to its said counterpart.

Christmas in the Philippines is literally "brighter" than here in Canada - every single house is lit with hundreds and hundreds of Christmas lights.

Furthermore, the crowds are more rambunctious over there than here. This shows the tremendous passion the people have for Christmas over there compared to the people here.

And of course, the spirit. Christmas is more than just a holiday in the Philippines, it's a tradition. A strong family-oriented tradition. A time when families reunite under one roof and celebrate. A time when people transcend the notion of gift-giving, and embody the very spirit of love and care.

Thanks to my family, I still had an amazing holiday season this year.

Ep 19: The Birthday Entry

Just a couple of days ago I had my birthday and turned 23. Yes, I am that old. I am 23 and I SHOULD not even have the time to write this. I SHOULD be too busy pursuing my career now. I SHOULD be busy analyzing data, traveling the world, reading this unearthly humongous textbook, or sleeping because I'm too tired. But no.

On a lighter note, I would like to thank every single one of you who greeted me. And if you haven't it's never too late - there's a shout-box below, or just click on my facebook profile page link below to greet me there! I'm talking to you, yes you!

It's an amazing feeling to find out how many people actually care about me considering that I have been staying home for almost half a year already - you'd think that they'd completely forgotten about you - it's nice to be proven wrong sometimes. That goes the same for the people a thousand miles away - you'd think that distance has taken its toll, but again I was proven wrong.

I would like to especially thank my girlfriend for her planned surprise for me during my birthday. I have never been surprised on my birthday so this is indeed a huge thing for me. For that, I thank her genuinely.

Happy Birthday to me.

EP18: Home Boy

Recently I've been appearing to have too much time on my hands. It's annoying. The Semester's done (which didn't really take much of my time anyway), I quit my job, and I lost the will to go out. What do all these equate to? Yes, a Home boy. Term defines itself.

I believe it has been at least 5 months now since the transition of my lifestyle from someone who goes out all the time, to someone who stays home all the time. Yes, for 5 months the only reason I left the house was school (I even skipped most of the time) - almost literally as I ditched MOST parties and outings with friends.

Such a change in lifestyle had its benefits, as I was able to reestablish my health and sanity; however, such a change also has its toll.

As boring as it sounds, my girlfriend has been really supportive of me. On the other hand, I feel that I have been failing to (lack of a better word) "perform" my obligations as a boyfriend. This probably explains why she's been lately going out with her friends a lot more, because her friends are able to give her the time she wants out, the time I couldn't even provide. Although, we do hang out at my place a lot, I genuinely feel that I'm ridding her of the time she deserves to get out there.

She deserves more than a home boy.

Ep 17: Who's there?

Finals week - the dreadful week that makes students like me(those who skip a lot) quiver with fear. Oh yes, it actually stresses me a whole lot just thinking of them, let alone writing the tests!

Times like these basically bring about pressure - huge pressure. Unlike in my homeland (most), the finals here hold a very crucial part of your final grade. In the Philippines, the finals were more of a test to basically find out how much you've learned during the course of a course (no pun intended); and it's basically some sort of a last ditch effort to pull up your grade a bit. Whereas over here, the finals are MOSTLY your grade! Ranging from 30 to 50 percent of your final grade, the finals are definitely forces to be reckoned with! Something to be pressured about indeed.

On a lighter note:

Who's that someone, who offered to come with me to the library, to study for hours under her own free time and will?

Who's that someone, who woke up earlier than usual, just to make it to the bus that goes to my school?

Who's that someone, who spent her "vacation" days as if she had finals of her own?

Who's that someone, who literally braved through the storm, got soaked by the rain, and was chilled by the piercing winds just to pick me up?

Who's that someone, who waited outside for hours, until I finish the very test she helped me prepare for in the first place?

And, who's that someone, who literally devoted all her time, just to see me through the finals?

The finals were indeed a huge load; however, it wasn't as dreadful as I initially portrayed it to be because of none other than that someone.

This entry is dedicated to her; although she may very well deserve more than just this entry, she, at the very least deserves my aforementioned gratitude.

Ep16: Thanksgiving

Back when I was in my homeland I've always heard of "Thanksgiving" from cable movies and cartoon shows. ALL I knew then was that there was this Turkey to be slaughtered and to be served for dinner. That was basically IT.

Moving here, I've finally experienced (not celebrated) first hand what and where those TV shows were based from. Not much more to know about it besides the fact that such an occasion actually had two different histories, and are thus celebrated separately in the United States, and in Canada. This explains the occurrence of it twice in North America. It's more of a common name of a holiday for 2 countries, rather than a single holiday celebrated by 2 countries.

Recently I have discovered that people back home have been "celebrating" this said event. I mean, what the fuck? Why celebrate something that DOESN'T even have any roots in a country's history? I did my research on the matter; and Thanksgiving is celebrated in the US and Canada, because of certain respective episodes in their respective HISTORIES.

I mean, it's understandable to admire and look up to a certain country, but to actually emulate their very culture as if it's one's own is just (for want of a better word) sickening.

I mean, I admire Japan and all, but you don't see me wearing Kimonos or celebrate Kamikaze day or something.

I wouldn't mind if we really had our OWN thanksgiving, but to celebrate it at the exact same date as in other countries? Actually, doing more research, we DO have Thanksgiving in the Philippines, and it's on the 21st of September (NOT on the fourth Thursday of November), too bad no one knows about it!

I'm not trying to sound all Mr. Patriot here, it's just that I don't quite understand, or maybe I do (cough, colonial mentality, cough), and I just want to rant about it.

Don't even get me started on Halloween!

Episode 15: What the F?

I got my essay back for my critical analysis essay of a novel. The novel's name doesn't matter just as much as it isn't known. I got a Big Fat F.

At that very moment I wanted to strangle my professor senseless. As much as I respect him and his accomplishments, I strongly believe that his grade is questionable. I'm not being narcissistic at all, although at times I can be. It's just that I put in a lot of effort doing this assignment of his and I really don't feel I deserve a measly "F."

Reading the novel alone was an arduous task considering that I don't really read novels of any kind. And coming up with a thesis only made matters worse. I won't even bother talking about the whole time-consuming process of completing the paper. Bottom line is, I worked my ass off.

This is a big blow to myself, to my ego, my self-esteem, and everything that lies in between. I like to write, I love to write. I have a passion for writing. Although I'm no writer, and I didn't take any formal education in writing whatsoever, I express myself through writing more than anything.

But as cliche as it sounds, and in the words of the great Tupak Shakur: "life goes on." And continue writing I shall.

I know I shouldn't be complaining, but what the F?!

Episode 14: Left Behind

Every time I check on my friends back in the Philippines I can't help but feel left out.

Most of them have already finished school and/or are starting with their respective careers already, whereas I, have to redo post-secondary schooling all over again.

It's not that I envy them or anything of the sorts. If anything, I'm genuinely happy for them. It's just that reality is kicking in slowly and painfully as I realize how far behind I am.

I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to my peers, or to anyone for that matter.

I know I shouldn't, but not doing so doesn't necessarily alter the way I feel about things.

Episode 13: The Nostalgic Musician

Straight up, I miss my band. It's been more than 2 years since the last time we played together. And the distance doesn't help at all. I don't see myself starting a new band mainly because here in Canada, the whole idea of a "rock band" isn't at all as widespread and popular as in the Philippines.

I just miss the feeling, the passion, and the intensity of having to perform in front of a huge (more often than not, small) crowd without holding back whatsoever. I just miss the company of my bandmates as we used to travel from place to place dragging our precious second rate musical instruments with us, just to manifest our presence even for just 5minutes. I miss the countless hours of practice in the studio, the thrill of composing a new song, or simply the random inside jokes we endlessly shared. I miss them all.

Here is the one and only video of our band playing our favorite and most popular song: The Yahoo Song.This is an amateur video and as you will notice you won't really see me at all.



And recently I just "made" a video for one of my favorite originals. It's basically the lyrics of the song with a translation in English since it was sung in our native language.



These two are my favorite originals and there hasn't been a day when I don't listen to either of these songs. They bring nostalgia, they bring hope, they bring happiness, and of course, they bring music to my ears.

So here's to you my band, for all the good times, the bad times, and the senseless times, all are cherished.

Episode 12: Twilight

I just don't get it. This is getting way out of hand. FAN GIRLS and FAN BOYS alike - EVERYWHERE! I am not saying that such a so-called "phenomenon" has no right to gain such popularity. No, not at all. It's just that the movie Twilight has gained more popularity than it should have, more credit than it actually deserves.

For sure the book has created some sort of a "surreal undead dream guy person" whom girls (and guys) fantasize about. However, the movie just about TAKES THE CAKE.

I just don't understand how something can be so big so fast. It became too big, too fast. It even beat James Bond in the Box Office Charts. I mean, who beats James Bond? The Bond franchise has been there for decades, whereas this "undead guy" comes out of nowhere beating Bond senseless. Oh, and I'm not a fan of James Bond.

This basically shows the power of the bandwagon effect. Readers and non-readers, (a.k.a. posers) alike are blindly swayed by this undeniable trend. In general, people are foolish. Their actions are merely based on SOCIAL NORMS rather than PERSONAL CONVICTION. They're just as bad as those undecided voters during the U.S. Elections.

Oh, people can really get superficial. Put in an unknown "hot guy" and suddenly he's bigger than Brad Pitt and Hugh Grant combined. Such a fad is inevitably short-lived, just as Daniel Radcliffe's time was.

Episode 11: Oh no!

Just when I thought it was getting better, I grew two new pimples. And to think that I just came from my doctor just a day ago. This gives me even more reason to doubt her dermatological capabilities.

So looking back this passed couple of days, let us figure out what might have caused (or helped cause) this breakout of mine. From what I recall:

• I had one of those tasty Chicken Sandwich Treats from Burger King. (one of my all-time favorites so how can I resist?)
• My family had pizza one night for dinner and as much as I declined my mom's offer, just the smell of fresh pepperoni mixed with oozing cheese coming right out of the oven was way more than I could possibly take!
• And for dessert my brother took out some Milk Chocolate Chip Cookies from the fridge. It has been so long since my last bite, and I thought that having one wouldn't do so much harm. But I didn't have just one. Think: indulge.
• I wasn't able to exercise at all lately because of the cold weather. And I do mean freezing cold, even inside! It makes me feel sleepy, and lazy, but that's not an excuse!
• I slept late the other night, reasons ranging from unsuppressed emotional distress, a throbbing headache, and everything in between.
• I drank less than 11 glasses per day. Not proud at all.

Moral of this entry, CONTROL YOUR CRAVINGS! Stick to the program!

Episode 10: Getting To Know You

Just when you thought you know someone, you end up saying different things about them. You tend to believe the image portrayed upon you and actually absorb it into you, so much that whatever it is you believe in is already a "fact" for you, no matter what. But then again, just when you THOUGHT you know someone. Notice the word of emphasis.

It just is a pain to discover otherwise. A pain so hard to endure that all of what you blindly believed in, just goes out the window. You end up disbelieving everything, you end up taking back all the things that you said, and more importantly, you end up doubting the very person you thought you knew all a long. What a royal disappointment indeed.

Such a discovery demands an open heart and a mature mind as it proves to be extremely difficult to stomach. Such a contradiction deems unfathomable initially; notwithstanding, one should be strong enough to accept such an anomaly and hopefully, proceed with life as we know it.

This makes me think some more, do I really know you? Or do I just think I do?

Episode 9: Epic Fail

Asking someone about their pimples, is just as rude as asking why an overweight person is fat.

You can argue that it's their fault since they don't care about their overall health and whatnot.

Yes you can, HOWEVER, a lot of people don't even know what "healthy" means and still get away with the appropriate weight or clear skin. This makes these two, conditions, rather than personal choices - just as how a person is allergic to the sun, or just as a person has schizophrenia.

I just wish I could get this message through every person.

I got ticked off yet again, as one of my so-called "friends" brought it up once again. She basically asked "what wrong was with my face?" Sympathy or not, she basically implied that I don't take care of my face that it was so obvious and that it was "wrong." I basically walked out right in that instant, leaving the whole group behind.

I felt really depressed afterwards. I mean, I cannot even show myself in front of my friends, let alone strangers. (i.e. future employers, schoolmates, co-workers) I can't even be myself with my friends for they keep bringing "my face" up. And by the way, this isn't the first time, this is like the "nth" time.

More so, I felt disappointed. As I invested a lot of money (thousands of dollars) on my face and still it's like nothing is even happening. I already changed my lifestyle and still people fail to see that. People fail to see all the sacrifice, the effort, the pain I've gone, and am going through. They think that I don't take care of myself whereas it is exactly the opposite.

It's not like I put dirt on my face!

Episode 8: Stupidity

I came in school today as I would any typical school day. Only today sucked. I came in Math class today without ANY idea that I was suppose to write a Midterm exam! I came in and the silence of the classroom welcomed me along with the sound of scratching heads and of tapping pens. No use turning back - the teacher gave me the "why-are-you-late"(as always) look, gave me the test paper and directed me to my seat.

Just for the record, I did not study at all! Fortunately, it didn't turn out to be as bad as I thought. Thanks to the recent long assignment, I was a bit practiced for most of the test; however, I wouldn't expect a high grade at all this time.

I thought about.. believe it or not during the test I was contemplating on what went wrong. I could have known that the test was today, there was no excuse. I then blamed all the times I skipped class due to (for want of a better word) "unforced" reasons.

Yes I skipped a lot, more than I should have. But I did. Again, it all boils down once again to my acne problems. Often I wake up in the morning, just to see my horrible face - I completely lose the will to even leave the house, much less go to school. Yes It's an outrageous reason for "normal" standards. Well last time I check, I don't seem to be part of such a category.

I admit, it has gotten out of hand and as I said in an earlier entry, it has affected my life so much in a bad way. It is safe to say that the condition of my face dictates my very actions for the day. Yes it sounds far fetched but absolutely true on my account. If I wake up to see signs of improvement or whatnot, I feel like doing everything I can possibly do for one day; on the other hand, if I wake up to see the things I dare not mention nor want to see, I dare not do anything as well. It's tough really, as most mornings end up with the latter.

No one will argue if anyone would say that it's stupid. I know.

It's not just the sheer stupidity of not acing an easy exam, it's more of the stupidity of my decisions as a whole.

Sue me then.

Episode 7: Now and then

I figured that I could temporarily turn this blog into a somewhat acne journal. Since it has been the issue I have been focusing on for so long; and just in case it gets cleared/healed, I would have a story to tell, or even, a cure to share.

From here on out, I will basically keep track of my "progress" or "retrogression" as the days and months go by.

As a preface to this pseudo-medical journal of some sort, I will basically list down the various activities and habits involved in my lifestyle, that according to my countless research, "caused" this mess I am in. So let's take a look shall we:

THEN

• I used to ingest alcohol a lot. I was more than half way towards being an alcoholic. I basically drank at every chance that I got. What's more, is that I even created opportunities for me to drink. Bottom line is, I drank way too much.
• I smoked regularly, not to the point of doing it every single day; however, I smoked more or less as much as I drank. And that itself explains everything.
• I lacked sleep, or slept really late - and often, not sleep at all. Yes, trust me sleep is a huge factor because of all the imbalance of hormones and such during the wee hours of the morning. I won't explain in detail.
• I almost NEVER ate fruits and/or vegetables. Not that they weren't available, I just chose NOT to. And all those missing fiber only made my alcoholic liver even worse.
• In addition, there was a point in my life when I practically had McDonald's for almost nearly everyday for more than a year! I used to think that it never really bothered me since I never really gained any weight; however, little did I know that the negative effects of such an unhealthy lifestyle where directed to my face, rather than my weight!
• I had a sweet tooth. I was so stupid before that I used to think that eating lots of sweets such as white chocolate, ice cream, brownies, cookies, and pop would allow me to gain some weight; and as I was frustrated as I never really gained a single pound from any of them, I was frustrated even more to see my face.
• I lacked exercise. Although exercise should be done at the very least thrice a week, I was lucky to do it ONCE a week.
  
• An unbalanced diet - in addition to the lack of fruits and veggies, I just had too much sugar intake, too much dairy, and too much animal protein. Without the fiber to go with such foods, a certain imbalance would occur; and consequently rupturing my face.
  

Well as you can see, I wasn't exactly the healthiest person in the world. And I am not at all proud of that. After countless research, over the counter products, so-called miracle cures, magic pills, frustrated attempts and whatnot, I have come up with a routine, or rather, more of a change in lifestyle in order to combat and finally be in control of my acne.

NOW

• I literally stopped drinking alcohol or smoking. As in ZERO. Doesn't affect me at all, as I have completely nullified any cravings for such.
• I practically stopped eating fast food products. In turn, resorted to home made healthy treats.
• This may sound weird but I have invested a decent amount of my money to buy a good amount of fruits and vegetables. In other words I have basically turned into a semi-vegetarian. In every entree I include a proportional amount of fiber rich foods at the same time minimize the amount of rice I eat per meal.
• I sleep early now. I make it a point to be in bed by at most 11, and be fully asleep by at most midnight. This ordeal is very tough as my body is very used to unhealthy sleeping habits, but I am working on it.
  
• I do exercise daily now. From utilizing my gym set at home, to simply doing jumping jacks and push-ups (jogging outside is not an option because of this season's weather).
• I drink tons and tons of water everyday. I make it a point to drink at least 15 glasses a day. I tend to urinate a lot, but better through the bladder than through my pores.
• I literally stopped the intake of sugar-rich foods. As much as I miss them, I try my best to control my cravings.
  
• Also, I am currently under treatment from a dermatologist. I undergo chemical peeling every three weeks and boy does it drain my wallet. Fortunately, improvements are evident which justifies further treatment.

As you can see, THEN and NOW are basically opposites of each other, but significant ones I might add. This is not just a phase or routine in order to cure acne, rather, this is my new lifestyle from now on. This is my last resort as I have tried literally everything you can sell over the counter, or the internet.

Here goes nothing! =)

Episode 6: The BIG problem

Just as losing weight is a problem for an obese person, getting clear skin is, and has always been a huge problem of mine.

I have been struggling against acne for about 5 years now; and I didn't really mind it during the earlier stages since I've always thought that they were just a mere surge of hormones during our teen years. However, now that I am an adult, I have been worrying about it more than ever.

Just before moving here to Canada, it wasn't at all bad - having one or two pimples or blackheads, with occasional breakouts. But now my face is at it's all time worst. You'd think that acne would peak during adolescence but no - it had to be now... now that I should normally have been done with it. But took me long enough to realize, that I wasn't normal... at least my skin isn't.

I have tried countless over-the-counter products and medications, and as much as they work for other "normal" people, they didn't at all for me.

It got so bad that it started to affect the people around me. My co-workers would always ask me what's wrong with my face or point out that I have a zit and some even offered to pop them for me - that's how much it bothers them! Well not as much as it bothers me!

It also affected my friends. As some of them would politely point them out to me, which is just as bad as most who would bluntly tease me about it. I can't really blame them for it. They have clear skin - just as I tease fat people because of my endomorphism - they have every right to say whatever they please.

It has also affected my confidence as well, my overall self-esteem, and my costumer service. As a Manager in one of the busiest fast food restaurants in the world, I have to deal "face-to-face" with hundreds of people a day, thousands a week. I always requested to be in charge of the kitchen area instead of the front counter area so that at least I was in the back - hiding my face from the world; however, such a feeble request wasn't always put up with. And believe me was it hard - never have I felt the desire to end an 8-hour shift so bad. An 8-hour time span for that matter.

Furthermore, it also affected my interaction with other people altogether. More often than not I would decline an offer to go out or to receive guests. As far as my studies are concern, my interaction with schoolmates is minimized to the extent that I don't really know anyone, strictly speaking.

This problem has basically affected most of the aspects of my life - and I am not at all happy about it, not one bit. I feel that I am in a downward spiral that - every time I see my face, I lose the will to do something productive.

This has to stop, this has to end... please, for my sake.

To be continued...

Episode 5: Impulse101

It took me this long to realize how much of a victim I am of impulse. I guess it's acceptable to be somewhat impulsive at a certain degree; however mine just about takes the cake. My impulsivity, as I would like to put it, has been the bane of what seems to be my already non-standardized life. It has gone up to a whole new level whereas not only my choices are immensely affected, but the people around me as well.

Where do these impulses come from? My insatiable hunger for something more appealing? My dissatisfied notion of how life is at the moment? My subconsciously envious nature towards various objects of materialism? Or rather, does it root from the irrepressible hormonal atrocities my body promulgates?

Reasons can range from all of them, some of them, most of them, to other explanations beyond me.

It's not really the case of "not thinking before one's acting," because I still end up "thinking" about the certain choice my impulsivity generates; however, the cognitive part of such an endeavor leans more towards to on how to do/perform/obtain that generated choice rather than merely deciding whether to engage in such a frivolous act or not.

In other words, I think of HOW to get it, instead of supposedly thinking whether to get it or not.

So what's a person to do while constantly "pseudo-consciously" succumbing to the overwhelming power of impulse? What's a helpless being to do victimized by the dominant influence of such a supposedly meager psychological force?

To be continued...

Episode 4: Moving in

30 Days in after landing - my father, or rather, my father's good friend, found a place for us to live in. Yes, our very own place. No it wasn't a house, nor was it an apartment; it was sort of a room-like unit placed within a 4-story, hotel-like, elevator-equipped condominium.

The place wasn't too shabby at all. 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, a decent kitchen, a wide living room, with a fireplace to boot. Not to mention a balcony overlooking most of what surrounds the building just adjacent to the bedrooms.

The rooms weren't that big; however large enough to sleep in. Both had simply designed built-in closets while one of them, had a walk-in one, along with a bathroom inside. All windows had blinds by default and the doors had no locks at all. The walls along with the ceiling were freshly painted white and the floor was fully carpeted with a clean peach color.

Bathrooms each had a huge mirror on one side of them. One had a tub, while one had a shower closet. Generally the color scheme was pleasantly white, enabling a neat and clean feel upon entering the room.

The kitchen was well-equppied: a mircowave oven, a fridge, a dishwasher, an oven, a bunch of cupboards, a pantry, 2 sinks, and 4 various stoves. My mom would be pleased indeed.

The living room, which was easily the largest part of the "house," was basically empty space, carpet, and a fireplace. Oh yeah, there was a sort of a bay window at the far end of it where one could sit or even sleep on. Again, white white and more white... everything was pretty much white by default. It didn't bother me at all. I didn't mind white. At this point the place appeared to be really large and spacious. I wonder how it would look like once the whole family moves in and furnishes the place? I doubt it would seem as large and spacious anymore.

Not the most ideal place for a family of seven to live in; however, the place overall perpetuates a pleasant and welcoming atmosphere, and maybe, just maybe, this "unit" may very well be "home."

***


As I took pictures of the place, I realized how dull and lifeless the place was. It was empty. And as my family moves in the next day, there would be but cardboard boxes and fastfood to-go. This is a new start for us, our new home, and as the place implies - we have nothing, but ourselves to cling on. And as time goes by, we soon will gradually fill the place up... just as how we gradually grow into this new world of ours...

Episode 3: 365 days and counting

It's funny how it took almost a year to post a new episode.

Forgive me as I will be quite general throughout the length of this "episode." This will provide me lots of room for "specifics" that would come in later ones.

It's been over a year now since I've come here. I don't even know where to start. So much has happened. So much has changed, and yet, so much has stayed the same. This entry is sort of a preface to the upcoming "episodes" as I would put it, regarding the different MAJOR events that had occurred during the year's span I've been here.

It was on the 1st of April I celebrated my 1st year anniversary here. This day proved to me once more how time flies incredibly fast. It was initially hard to believe all the things that I went through, all the endeavors I underwent, and all the hardships I endured.

But at the same time I felt a sense of accomplishment. A sort of peace of mind. A sort of pat on the back telling myself how far along I've gone - away from home, my home.

Yes it's been a year now - this day serves as a monument - a monumental day that stands as a margin. A margin that rids me of excuses of the so-called "ignorance" I brought with me when I first came here.

It's 365 days, AND counting.