EP 28: Job Hunting

I'm currently taking a course in accounting and recently I decided to "account" myself. In other words, I basically calculated (or tried to) my worth financially.

To no surprise, I am currently in the negative, thanks to my outstanding student loan balance from the government. It also doesn't help NOT to have a job.

So I realized, that despite studying full-time, I NEEDED a job - or any (legal) source of income.

I've remade my resume and rendered them into 4 different versions depending on the job position/description. I was thinking of taking advantage of the seasonal demand while it's still relatively early. Also, I just did a job interview with a company that does tutoring. Furthermore, I plan to send out a few more resumes here, there and everywhere.

If I were given a choice though, I would consider tutoring as the most practical and convenient. Not to mention they pay ridiculous hourly fees.

I've been unemployed for just over half a year already. It would definitely be nice to be back in to workforce.

More importantly, it would be nice to start getting myself out of the red.

EP 27: I hate dreaming

Last night I had a dream. It was one of those dreams that felt so real that you had no idea whether you were actually awake or not - yes, one of those. Unlike most of my dreams, I happen to remember the majority of what happened in this one. To make a long story short, let's just say that it's one of the best dreams to date - I was with the person whom I love, and that person loves me back - yes, I should have known it was a dream.

Usually you realize that a dream's a dream right when you wake up, or a moment after. This morning it took me about half an hour after waking up just to realize (and accept) that it was just a dream. Yes, the dream was so good that even after waking up, I refused to accept reality and hopelessly believed in the dream.

It's more than disappointing to be completely honest. I could tell that I was genuinely happy in that dream - something I rarely feel nowadays; and finally, after my inevitable acceptance of its fantastic nature, everything just fell apart - everything just crashed. I felt depressed.

This has happened quite a number of times in my lifetime. I have this scenario where the thing(s) and/or person(s) I've always wanted/needed appear in my life the way I want them to be... only to be destroyed by my waking eyes.

That is why I hate dreaming.

Oh, I'm not too fond of nightmares either.

EP 26: On and Off

It's really funny how our "relationship" works out (wait, what relationship?). One day we would hang out, have a blast, talk non-stop, maybe flirt a little, and just laugh our heads off - and pretty much do whatever we please (not sex).

Then the days after would seem as if nothing happened at all. We barely talk (if ever we do), we don't talk about what transpired the day before, we just don't do anything. Fortunately, I am used to this kind of set up; however I can't help but notice its peculiarity.

As cliche as it sounds, it's just like an on-and-off switch. When we do talk and see each other - my world stops (I don't know about yours). On the other hand, after whatever interaction we do have - you just turn "off" (which rubs off me and consequently turns me "off" as well).

Another thing to note are the intervals. On average, we probably meet at least once a month, at most twice (which is relatively seldom) - thrice is very very rare (if happened at all).

This is probably one of the major reasons we don't run out of things to say, as well as one of the major reasons as to why we still hang out and talk three years and counting (unlike most other acquaintances).

Ironically, you once said that I was one of the handful people in your life whom you felt the most comfortable with. Honestly, I was really flattered and touched you said that; however it's just so counter-intuitive that we would have a set-up like this.

BUT I don't mind at all. As much as talking to you every day seems like a marvelous idea on my side, it would probably tire me out. There are times however (like now), when I just can't help but want your text, your call, or your message. I don't want to start, but if this keeps up, I probably would have to turn things "on" again. It's been 2 weeks already.

I don't know why, but I always long for that "on" phase.... maybe because I'm in love with you.

EP 25: It's in the pendence

Waking up in the morning (or afternoon) the first thing I do is check my phone. For some reason, I always do, even though such a practice is futile. On some days however, I do get to see that "new message" icon, only to receive spam mail from an ad or a senseless text from my dad.

It's depressing really, how I usually am with my phone, logged in on MSN, and somewhat active in facebook; and yet no one seems to send me any emails, calls nor messages.

There are times that I just leave my computer signed-in and after several hours I come back only to see a blank desktop.

This was then. From then on, I realized that "hoping" for something to happen is only futile and would only negatively affect my life as an individual in terms of growth and independence. In other words, it would just give me a bad day.

Nowadays, I just do things for me, not for others. I realized that I have to stop living my life around other people (not physically). I realized that I have to start living independently - I owe it to myself to live for myself.

I'm not trying to be selfish or anything, there is definitely a fine line between the two.

I don't want to feel hurt anymore. I don't want to need anyone anymore.

EP 24: New Treadmill

What better way to motivate yourself to exercise than to bring the exercise to you?

Screw gym memberships, screw wearing gym outfits - bringing home an all-around work-out machine was just what I needed.

So I got it brand new off a bargain price from Canadian Tire with a lifetime's worth of warranty. Not bad at all if you ask me.

Hopefully this time, I don't go lazy since all I have to do is go downstairs, push the button, and run. That's it.

I've been really out of shape (most of my life I was) and I think this should be a worthy investment. I mean, it's about time that I at least try to get in shape because if you think about it, I'm basically at the prime of my life - this time should NOT be wasted.

So I hope things work out for the better (no pun intended).

EP 23: My Driver's License

Finally! (insert smiley)

After failing that wretched test twice, I finally came through! Only by a hair though.

The previous two attempts were downright heart-breaking. Failing in something you've been doing (I've been driving back in my homeland for about 4-5 years now) for a while can really hurt your ego - and it did, big time.

Fortunately, I was able to gather what's left of my pride and actually practiced just days prior to the third test date. The night before: I basically wasn't able to sleep just thinking about the test.

But alas, after a long-winded conversation post exam, my driving examiner (coincidentally the same one from the last time I failed with), actually passed me! It was one of the few genuinely happy moments I had this year, for real. I actually gave her a hug.

I almost failed though, due to yet again, a random pedestrian coming out of nowhere (we don't look out for pedestrians back in my homeland!). However, I think out of pity and goodwill, she passed me! And she probably felt touched that I actually remembered who she was considering she was one big fat bitch and no one really remembers big fat bitches.

Bottom line, I passed and I'm so glad that it's over with. I now got my full license and I can now go places I wasn't able to go to conveniently, or at all!

EP 22: A Work (that I thought was) in Progress

I've known this person for about three years now and this is the first time I am actually writing about her.

Out of everyone I know here in Canada, she's the closest I've been with and surprisingly, we are constantly staying in touch (unlike most other acquaintances). In retrospect, I've always seen her as a companion - we always watch movies together, eat out, go sightseeing, and pretty much anything you can think of doing in Greater Vancouver (except sky-diving).

I feel so comfortable whenever I'm with her and I could assume the same for her since she did mention it once or twice.

I've always been attracted to how she looks; albeit I never really tell her straight up - I usually resort to casual compliments which fortunately has not created an over abundance of awkward moments as of yet.

But now, I think I'm starting to fall in love with this person. After knowing someone for a long time, and spending countless moments and memories with someone, your heart tends to beat towards that person. I know this sounded very sappy but it cannot be helped.

I haven't told her this yet, nor do I know when I should (if ever I even would). And right now, I'm not exactly happy about how things are going.

More to come.

EP 21: 2 years later...

It's been a very long hiatus indeed.

I've decided to write about my thoughts again because I feel that at this point, there is no one I can turn to - not even my so-called friends. Sometimes I wonder, do I really have any? Or are they just misnomers? I hate to be all emotional about it, but it can't be helped.

After 2 years a lot of things have happened/changed. Talking about all would require an autobiography of some sorts, which this blog isn't.

Right now I'm still stuck in college trying to finish my studies - still no luck finding that certain circle of friends you get in school. I thought I found one last semester, but to no avail, it wasn't what I had hoped for.

So after school I basically have no reason to stay, except if I were to wait for the bus which comes every half an hour. On a lighter note (rather, less dark), I met a few fantastic people; however, I could tell that it would be short-lived (just as any other).

It's funny how as I am writing this I feel that my first post after 2 years appears to be so negative. Well it's 3am right now and such thoughts can't be helped - considering the different things that have been/have NOT been happening.

Enough the rant, I hope things turn up for the better. Last chance 2010, last chance.