EP 34: So what if

So what if you hurt me, been done a thousand times, what's one more?
So what if you mislead me, I've always chose the wrong path anyway.
So what if you ignore me, even I fail to pay attention to my inner self.
So what if you play me, I've played around myself, and karma's a bitch.
So what if you reject me, I'll accept and take responsibility of my actions.
So what if you choose someone else, it's your life, it is your choice.
So what if you want to be friends, that's what everyone wants me to be anyway

So what if you don't?
Then I'll then be truly yours.

EP 33: The friend zone

EP 32: Did I say?

It has only been a week, and yet it seems longer than that. I know that I shouldn't make a big fuss about it; but at times it cannot be helped. To be completely honest, it's been tough, and I'm trying my best not to miss her - to no avail, I do.

I decided to keep my mind "busy" and filled with things. Not that I don't want to think about her, it's just that thinking of her makes me miss her, and missing her is tough - because there is nothing I can do, but wait.

I decided to hit the gym once again. Based on experience such an endeavor has always been good to me, always. It keeps me focused, keeps me disciplined, and more importantly, it gives me something to do, instead of spending my days missing you.

Oh, did I say that I miss her?

EP 31: There she goes

I meet this person.

I like this person.

Person leaves for a month.

I miss this person.

Poem by:
Me

EP 30: Be a man, do the right thing

I have come to realize how far off I've been sidetracked from the supposed nature I ought to have been. I have come to realize how my "self" wasn't the certain "self" I aspired to be during my younger years. In hindsight there may have been a roller coaster ride of events, influences, and experiences that created such a detour; however, post-hindsight tells me that I may be just making excuses.

I have become too soft, too lenient, too nice, too emotional, too needy. I complained more than I was supposed to (which is to not complain at all). I have succumbed to fear, failed to seize different days and moments, and taken the road "more" traveled. I made (up) excuses albeit didn't exist at all. Not so much that I failed per se, but more so the fact that I failed to rise from failure.

After meeting this certain someone, I have come to realize how "lost" I was - and how I needed to get back on track - get back in the game; become the person I've always known myself to be.

Life is too short to dwell on things that do not matter.
Life is too short for drama.
If you want something, go get it, period. (Will Smith, Pursuit of Happiness)
If life's a bitch, go slap it and get on with it.
Just do it.

EP 29: Failing, to Succeed

The last month of last year has been very tough. I've always dubbed that time as a "triple fail" so to speak.

The first accounts for my inability to keep a temporary job. I had a chance to prove myself to the "bosses" and retain employment; however, such an attempt was apparently futile. The sad thing was that I tried my best and I gave it my all - evidently, it wasn't good enough. Ultimately, I was let go...

The second accounts for my shortcomings regarding my application into the business program. Apparently, my grades weren't good enough. The sad part was - I was actually proud and happy of my 3.16 GPA.

The third accounts for history repeating itself. The person whom I have invested emotions in chose not to reciprocate. I've always seen her in a different way ever since I met her first in dance class. As much as I had hoped for such, I guess it just wasn't meant to be. "Moving on..."

All three compounded quickly and crashed as what it seems to be a heavy burden on my chest. It was difficult to bear, especially the latter - and at that point , recovering seemed to be but a remote idea to say the least.

As the great Michael Jordan said: "I have failed many times in my life, and that is why, I succeed..."

Quoted for truth.

EP 28: Job Hunting

I'm currently taking a course in accounting and recently I decided to "account" myself. In other words, I basically calculated (or tried to) my worth financially.

To no surprise, I am currently in the negative, thanks to my outstanding student loan balance from the government. It also doesn't help NOT to have a job.

So I realized, that despite studying full-time, I NEEDED a job - or any (legal) source of income.

I've remade my resume and rendered them into 4 different versions depending on the job position/description. I was thinking of taking advantage of the seasonal demand while it's still relatively early. Also, I just did a job interview with a company that does tutoring. Furthermore, I plan to send out a few more resumes here, there and everywhere.

If I were given a choice though, I would consider tutoring as the most practical and convenient. Not to mention they pay ridiculous hourly fees.

I've been unemployed for just over half a year already. It would definitely be nice to be back in to workforce.

More importantly, it would be nice to start getting myself out of the red.

EP 27: I hate dreaming

Last night I had a dream. It was one of those dreams that felt so real that you had no idea whether you were actually awake or not - yes, one of those. Unlike most of my dreams, I happen to remember the majority of what happened in this one. To make a long story short, let's just say that it's one of the best dreams to date - I was with the person whom I love, and that person loves me back - yes, I should have known it was a dream.

Usually you realize that a dream's a dream right when you wake up, or a moment after. This morning it took me about half an hour after waking up just to realize (and accept) that it was just a dream. Yes, the dream was so good that even after waking up, I refused to accept reality and hopelessly believed in the dream.

It's more than disappointing to be completely honest. I could tell that I was genuinely happy in that dream - something I rarely feel nowadays; and finally, after my inevitable acceptance of its fantastic nature, everything just fell apart - everything just crashed. I felt depressed.

This has happened quite a number of times in my lifetime. I have this scenario where the thing(s) and/or person(s) I've always wanted/needed appear in my life the way I want them to be... only to be destroyed by my waking eyes.

That is why I hate dreaming.

Oh, I'm not too fond of nightmares either.

EP 26: On and Off

It's really funny how our "relationship" works out (wait, what relationship?). One day we would hang out, have a blast, talk non-stop, maybe flirt a little, and just laugh our heads off - and pretty much do whatever we please (not sex).

Then the days after would seem as if nothing happened at all. We barely talk (if ever we do), we don't talk about what transpired the day before, we just don't do anything. Fortunately, I am used to this kind of set up; however I can't help but notice its peculiarity.

As cliche as it sounds, it's just like an on-and-off switch. When we do talk and see each other - my world stops (I don't know about yours). On the other hand, after whatever interaction we do have - you just turn "off" (which rubs off me and consequently turns me "off" as well).

Another thing to note are the intervals. On average, we probably meet at least once a month, at most twice (which is relatively seldom) - thrice is very very rare (if happened at all).

This is probably one of the major reasons we don't run out of things to say, as well as one of the major reasons as to why we still hang out and talk three years and counting (unlike most other acquaintances).

Ironically, you once said that I was one of the handful people in your life whom you felt the most comfortable with. Honestly, I was really flattered and touched you said that; however it's just so counter-intuitive that we would have a set-up like this.

BUT I don't mind at all. As much as talking to you every day seems like a marvelous idea on my side, it would probably tire me out. There are times however (like now), when I just can't help but want your text, your call, or your message. I don't want to start, but if this keeps up, I probably would have to turn things "on" again. It's been 2 weeks already.

I don't know why, but I always long for that "on" phase.... maybe because I'm in love with you.

EP 25: It's in the pendence

Waking up in the morning (or afternoon) the first thing I do is check my phone. For some reason, I always do, even though such a practice is futile. On some days however, I do get to see that "new message" icon, only to receive spam mail from an ad or a senseless text from my dad.

It's depressing really, how I usually am with my phone, logged in on MSN, and somewhat active in facebook; and yet no one seems to send me any emails, calls nor messages.

There are times that I just leave my computer signed-in and after several hours I come back only to see a blank desktop.

This was then. From then on, I realized that "hoping" for something to happen is only futile and would only negatively affect my life as an individual in terms of growth and independence. In other words, it would just give me a bad day.

Nowadays, I just do things for me, not for others. I realized that I have to stop living my life around other people (not physically). I realized that I have to start living independently - I owe it to myself to live for myself.

I'm not trying to be selfish or anything, there is definitely a fine line between the two.

I don't want to feel hurt anymore. I don't want to need anyone anymore.

EP 24: New Treadmill

What better way to motivate yourself to exercise than to bring the exercise to you?

Screw gym memberships, screw wearing gym outfits - bringing home an all-around work-out machine was just what I needed.

So I got it brand new off a bargain price from Canadian Tire with a lifetime's worth of warranty. Not bad at all if you ask me.

Hopefully this time, I don't go lazy since all I have to do is go downstairs, push the button, and run. That's it.

I've been really out of shape (most of my life I was) and I think this should be a worthy investment. I mean, it's about time that I at least try to get in shape because if you think about it, I'm basically at the prime of my life - this time should NOT be wasted.

So I hope things work out for the better (no pun intended).

EP 23: My Driver's License

Finally! (insert smiley)

After failing that wretched test twice, I finally came through! Only by a hair though.

The previous two attempts were downright heart-breaking. Failing in something you've been doing (I've been driving back in my homeland for about 4-5 years now) for a while can really hurt your ego - and it did, big time.

Fortunately, I was able to gather what's left of my pride and actually practiced just days prior to the third test date. The night before: I basically wasn't able to sleep just thinking about the test.

But alas, after a long-winded conversation post exam, my driving examiner (coincidentally the same one from the last time I failed with), actually passed me! It was one of the few genuinely happy moments I had this year, for real. I actually gave her a hug.

I almost failed though, due to yet again, a random pedestrian coming out of nowhere (we don't look out for pedestrians back in my homeland!). However, I think out of pity and goodwill, she passed me! And she probably felt touched that I actually remembered who she was considering she was one big fat bitch and no one really remembers big fat bitches.

Bottom line, I passed and I'm so glad that it's over with. I now got my full license and I can now go places I wasn't able to go to conveniently, or at all!

EP 22: A Work (that I thought was) in Progress

I've known this person for about three years now and this is the first time I am actually writing about her.

Out of everyone I know here in Canada, she's the closest I've been with and surprisingly, we are constantly staying in touch (unlike most other acquaintances). In retrospect, I've always seen her as a companion - we always watch movies together, eat out, go sightseeing, and pretty much anything you can think of doing in Greater Vancouver (except sky-diving).

I feel so comfortable whenever I'm with her and I could assume the same for her since she did mention it once or twice.

I've always been attracted to how she looks; albeit I never really tell her straight up - I usually resort to casual compliments which fortunately has not created an over abundance of awkward moments as of yet.

But now, I think I'm starting to fall in love with this person. After knowing someone for a long time, and spending countless moments and memories with someone, your heart tends to beat towards that person. I know this sounded very sappy but it cannot be helped.

I haven't told her this yet, nor do I know when I should (if ever I even would). And right now, I'm not exactly happy about how things are going.

More to come.

EP 21: 2 years later...

It's been a very long hiatus indeed.

I've decided to write about my thoughts again because I feel that at this point, there is no one I can turn to - not even my so-called friends. Sometimes I wonder, do I really have any? Or are they just misnomers? I hate to be all emotional about it, but it can't be helped.

After 2 years a lot of things have happened/changed. Talking about all would require an autobiography of some sorts, which this blog isn't.

Right now I'm still stuck in college trying to finish my studies - still no luck finding that certain circle of friends you get in school. I thought I found one last semester, but to no avail, it wasn't what I had hoped for.

So after school I basically have no reason to stay, except if I were to wait for the bus which comes every half an hour. On a lighter note (rather, less dark), I met a few fantastic people; however, I could tell that it would be short-lived (just as any other).

It's funny how as I am writing this I feel that my first post after 2 years appears to be so negative. Well it's 3am right now and such thoughts can't be helped - considering the different things that have been/have NOT been happening.

Enough the rant, I hope things turn up for the better. Last chance 2010, last chance.

EP 20: The Christmas Entry

Remembering what Christmas was like in the Philippines, and right off the bat I can safely say that the holiday here is completely different to that of my homeland. Except for being both commercially oriented, Christmas here in Canada is basically boring compared to its said counterpart.

Christmas in the Philippines is literally "brighter" than here in Canada - every single house is lit with hundreds and hundreds of Christmas lights.

Furthermore, the crowds are more rambunctious over there than here. This shows the tremendous passion the people have for Christmas over there compared to the people here.

And of course, the spirit. Christmas is more than just a holiday in the Philippines, it's a tradition. A strong family-oriented tradition. A time when families reunite under one roof and celebrate. A time when people transcend the notion of gift-giving, and embody the very spirit of love and care.

Thanks to my family, I still had an amazing holiday season this year.

Ep 19: The Birthday Entry

Just a couple of days ago I had my birthday and turned 23. Yes, I am that old. I am 23 and I SHOULD not even have the time to write this. I SHOULD be too busy pursuing my career now. I SHOULD be busy analyzing data, traveling the world, reading this unearthly humongous textbook, or sleeping because I'm too tired. But no.

On a lighter note, I would like to thank every single one of you who greeted me. And if you haven't it's never too late - there's a shout-box below, or just click on my facebook profile page link below to greet me there! I'm talking to you, yes you!

It's an amazing feeling to find out how many people actually care about me considering that I have been staying home for almost half a year already - you'd think that they'd completely forgotten about you - it's nice to be proven wrong sometimes. That goes the same for the people a thousand miles away - you'd think that distance has taken its toll, but again I was proven wrong.

I would like to especially thank my girlfriend for her planned surprise for me during my birthday. I have never been surprised on my birthday so this is indeed a huge thing for me. For that, I thank her genuinely.

Happy Birthday to me.

EP18: Home Boy

Recently I've been appearing to have too much time on my hands. It's annoying. The Semester's done (which didn't really take much of my time anyway), I quit my job, and I lost the will to go out. What do all these equate to? Yes, a Home boy. Term defines itself.

I believe it has been at least 5 months now since the transition of my lifestyle from someone who goes out all the time, to someone who stays home all the time. Yes, for 5 months the only reason I left the house was school (I even skipped most of the time) - almost literally as I ditched MOST parties and outings with friends.

Such a change in lifestyle had its benefits, as I was able to reestablish my health and sanity; however, such a change also has its toll.

As boring as it sounds, my girlfriend has been really supportive of me. On the other hand, I feel that I have been failing to (lack of a better word) "perform" my obligations as a boyfriend. This probably explains why she's been lately going out with her friends a lot more, because her friends are able to give her the time she wants out, the time I couldn't even provide. Although, we do hang out at my place a lot, I genuinely feel that I'm ridding her of the time she deserves to get out there.

She deserves more than a home boy.

Ep 17: Who's there?

Finals week - the dreadful week that makes students like me(those who skip a lot) quiver with fear. Oh yes, it actually stresses me a whole lot just thinking of them, let alone writing the tests!

Times like these basically bring about pressure - huge pressure. Unlike in my homeland (most), the finals here hold a very crucial part of your final grade. In the Philippines, the finals were more of a test to basically find out how much you've learned during the course of a course (no pun intended); and it's basically some sort of a last ditch effort to pull up your grade a bit. Whereas over here, the finals are MOSTLY your grade! Ranging from 30 to 50 percent of your final grade, the finals are definitely forces to be reckoned with! Something to be pressured about indeed.

On a lighter note:

Who's that someone, who offered to come with me to the library, to study for hours under her own free time and will?

Who's that someone, who woke up earlier than usual, just to make it to the bus that goes to my school?

Who's that someone, who spent her "vacation" days as if she had finals of her own?

Who's that someone, who literally braved through the storm, got soaked by the rain, and was chilled by the piercing winds just to pick me up?

Who's that someone, who waited outside for hours, until I finish the very test she helped me prepare for in the first place?

And, who's that someone, who literally devoted all her time, just to see me through the finals?

The finals were indeed a huge load; however, it wasn't as dreadful as I initially portrayed it to be because of none other than that someone.

This entry is dedicated to her; although she may very well deserve more than just this entry, she, at the very least deserves my aforementioned gratitude.

Ep16: Thanksgiving

Back when I was in my homeland I've always heard of "Thanksgiving" from cable movies and cartoon shows. ALL I knew then was that there was this Turkey to be slaughtered and to be served for dinner. That was basically IT.

Moving here, I've finally experienced (not celebrated) first hand what and where those TV shows were based from. Not much more to know about it besides the fact that such an occasion actually had two different histories, and are thus celebrated separately in the United States, and in Canada. This explains the occurrence of it twice in North America. It's more of a common name of a holiday for 2 countries, rather than a single holiday celebrated by 2 countries.

Recently I have discovered that people back home have been "celebrating" this said event. I mean, what the fuck? Why celebrate something that DOESN'T even have any roots in a country's history? I did my research on the matter; and Thanksgiving is celebrated in the US and Canada, because of certain respective episodes in their respective HISTORIES.

I mean, it's understandable to admire and look up to a certain country, but to actually emulate their very culture as if it's one's own is just (for want of a better word) sickening.

I mean, I admire Japan and all, but you don't see me wearing Kimonos or celebrate Kamikaze day or something.

I wouldn't mind if we really had our OWN thanksgiving, but to celebrate it at the exact same date as in other countries? Actually, doing more research, we DO have Thanksgiving in the Philippines, and it's on the 21st of September (NOT on the fourth Thursday of November), too bad no one knows about it!

I'm not trying to sound all Mr. Patriot here, it's just that I don't quite understand, or maybe I do (cough, colonial mentality, cough), and I just want to rant about it.

Don't even get me started on Halloween!

Episode 15: What the F?

I got my essay back for my critical analysis essay of a novel. The novel's name doesn't matter just as much as it isn't known. I got a Big Fat F.

At that very moment I wanted to strangle my professor senseless. As much as I respect him and his accomplishments, I strongly believe that his grade is questionable. I'm not being narcissistic at all, although at times I can be. It's just that I put in a lot of effort doing this assignment of his and I really don't feel I deserve a measly "F."

Reading the novel alone was an arduous task considering that I don't really read novels of any kind. And coming up with a thesis only made matters worse. I won't even bother talking about the whole time-consuming process of completing the paper. Bottom line is, I worked my ass off.

This is a big blow to myself, to my ego, my self-esteem, and everything that lies in between. I like to write, I love to write. I have a passion for writing. Although I'm no writer, and I didn't take any formal education in writing whatsoever, I express myself through writing more than anything.

But as cliche as it sounds, and in the words of the great Tupak Shakur: "life goes on." And continue writing I shall.

I know I shouldn't be complaining, but what the F?!