The MJ Show

EP 34: So what if

2011-06-18T02:14:00.000-07:00

So what if you hurt me, been done a thousand times, what's one more?
So what if you mislead me, I've always chose the wrong path anyway.
So what if you ignore me, even I fail to pay attention to my inner self.
So what if you play me, I've played around myself, and karma's a bitch.
So what if you reject me, I'll accept and take responsibility of my actions.
So what if you choose someone else, it's your life, it is your choice.
So what if you want to be friends, that's what everyone wants me to be anyway

So what if you don't?
Then I'll then be truly yours.

EP 33: The friend zone

2011-05-09T01:55:00.000-07:00

EP 32: Did I say?

2011-04-22T12:33:00.001-07:00

It has only been a week, and yet it seems longer than that. I know that I shouldn't make a big fuss about it; but at times it cannot be helped. To be completely honest, it's been tough, and I'm trying my best not to miss her - to no avail, I do.

I decided to keep my mind "busy" and filled with things. Not that I don't want to think about her, it's just that thinking of her makes me miss her, and missing her is tough - because there is nothing I can do, but wait.

I decided to hit the gym once again. Based on experience such an endeavor has always been good to me, always. It keeps me focused, keeps me disciplined, and more importantly, it gives me something to do, instead of spending my days missing you.

Oh, did I say that I miss her?

EP 31: There she goes

2011-04-17T00:10:00.000-07:00

I meet this person.

I like this person.

Person leaves for a month.

I miss this person.

Poem by:
Me

EP 30: Be a man, do the right thing

2011-04-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

I have come to realize how far off I've been sidetracked from the supposed nature I ought to have been. I have come to realize how my "self" wasn't the certain "self" I aspired to be during my younger years. In hindsight there may have been a roller coaster ride of events, influences, and experiences that created such a detour; however, post-hindsight tells me that I may be just making excuses.

I have become too soft, too lenient, too nice, too emotional, too needy. I complained more than I was supposed to (which is to not complain at all). I have succumbed to fear, failed to seize different days and moments, and taken the road "more" traveled. I made (up) excuses albeit didn't exist at all. Not so much that I failed per se, but more so the fact that I failed to rise from failure.

After meeting this certain someone, I have come to realize how "lost" I was - and how I needed to get back on track - get back in the game; become the person I've always known myself to be.

Life is too short to dwell on things that do not matter.
Life is too short for drama.
If you want something, go get it, period. (Will Smith, Pursuit of Happiness)
If life's a bitch, go slap it and get on with it.
Just do it.

EP 29: Failing, to Succeed

2011-04-04T03:43:00.000-07:00

The last month of last year has been very tough. I've always dubbed that time as a "triple fail" so to speak.

The first accounts for my inability to keep a temporary job. I had a chance to prove myself to the "bosses" and retain employment; however, such an attempt was apparently futile. The sad thing was that I tried my best and I gave it my all - evidently, it wasn't good enough. Ultimately, I was let go...

The second accounts for my shortcomings regarding my application into the business program. Apparently, my grades weren't good enough. The sad part was - I was actually proud and happy of my 3.16 GPA.

The third accounts for history repeating itself. The person whom I have invested emotions in chose not to reciprocate. I've always seen her in a different way ever since I met her first in dance class. As much as I had hoped for such, I guess it just wasn't meant to be. "Moving on..."

All three compounded quickly and crashed as what it seems to be a heavy burden on my chest. It was difficult to bear, especially the latter - and at that point , recovering seemed to be but a remote idea to say the least.

As the great Michael Jordan said: "I have failed many times in my life, and that is why, I succeed..."

Quoted for truth.

EP 28: Job Hunting

2010-11-23T01:45:00.000-08:00

I'm currently taking a course in accounting and recently I decided to "account" myself. In other words, I basically calculated (or tried to) my worth financially.

To no surprise, I am currently in the negative, thanks to my outstanding student loan balance from the government. It also doesn't help NOT to have a job.

So I realized, that despite studying full-time, I NEEDED a job - or any (legal) source of income.

I've remade my resume and rendered them into 4 different versions depending on the job position/description. I was thinking of taking advantage of the seasonal demand while it's still relatively early. Also, I just did a job interview with a company that does tutoring. Furthermore, I plan to send out a few more resumes here, there and everywhere.

If I were given a choice though, I would consider tutoring as the most practical and convenient. Not to mention they pay ridiculous hourly fees.

I've been unemployed for just over half a year already. It would definitely be nice to be back in to workforce.

More importantly, it would be nice to start getting myself out of the red.

EP 27: I hate dreaming

2010-11-18T02:18:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a dream. It was one of those dreams that felt so real that you had no idea whether you were actually awake or not - yes, one of those. Unlike most of my dreams, I happen to remember the majority of what happened in this one. To make a long story short, let's just say that it's one of the best dreams to date - I was with the person whom I love, and that person loves me back - yes, I should have known it was a dream.

Usually you realize that a dream's a dream right when you wake up, or a moment after. This morning it took me about half an hour after waking up just to realize (and accept) that it was just a dream. Yes, the dream was so good that even after waking up, I refused to accept reality and hopelessly believed in the dream.

It's more than disappointing to be completely honest. I could tell that I was genuinely happy in that dream - something I rarely feel nowadays; and finally, after my inevitable acceptance of its fantastic nature, everything just fell apart - everything just crashed. I felt depressed.

This has happened quite a number of times in my lifetime. I have this scenario where the thing(s) and/or person(s) I've always wanted/needed appear in my life the way I want them to be... only to be destroyed by my waking eyes.

That is why I hate dreaming.

Oh, I'm not too fond of nightmares either.

EP 26: On and Off

2010-11-15T03:37:00.000-08:00

It's really funny how our "relationship" works out (wait, what relationship?). One day we would hang out, have a blast, talk non-stop, maybe flirt a little, and just laugh our heads off - and pretty much do whatever we please (not sex).

Then the days after would seem as if nothing happened at all. We barely talk (if ever we do), we don't talk about what transpired the day before, we just don't do anything. Fortunately, I am used to this kind of set up; however I can't help but notice its peculiarity.

As cliche as it sounds, it's just like an on-and-off switch. When we do talk and see each other - my world stops (I don't know about yours). On the other hand, after whatever interaction we do have - you just turn "off" (which rubs off me and consequently turns me "off" as well).

Another thing to note are the intervals. On average, we probably meet at least once a month, at most twice (which is relatively seldom) - thrice is very very rare (if happened at all).

This is probably one of the major reasons we don't run out of things to say, as well as one of the major reasons as to why we still hang out and talk three years and counting (unlike most other acquaintances).

Ironically, you once said that I was one of the handful people in your life whom you felt the most comfortable with. Honestly, I was really flattered and touched you said that; however it's just so counter-intuitive that we would have a set-up like this.

BUT I don't mind at all. As much as talking to you every day seems like a marvelous idea on my side, it would probably tire me out. There are times however (like now), when I just can't help but want your text, your call, or your message. I don't want to start, but if this keeps up, I probably would have to turn things "on" again. It's been 2 weeks already.

I don't know why, but I always long for that "on" phase.... maybe because I'm in love with you.

EP 25: It's in the pendence

2010-11-11T13:20:00.000-08:00

Waking up in the morning (or afternoon) the first thing I do is check my phone. For some reason, I always do, even though such a practice is futile. On some days however, I do get to see that "new message" icon, only to receive spam mail from an ad or a senseless text from my dad.

It's depressing really, how I usually am with my phone, logged in on MSN, and somewhat active in facebook; and yet no one seems to send me any emails, calls nor messages.

There are times that I just leave my computer signed-in and after several hours I come back only to see a blank desktop.

This was then. From then on, I realized that "hoping" for something to happen is only futile and would only negatively affect my life as an individual in terms of growth and independence. In other words, it would just give me a bad day.

Nowadays, I just do things for me, not for others. I realized that I have to stop living my life around other people (not physically). I realized that I have to start living independently - I owe it to myself to live for myself.

I'm not trying to be selfish or anything, there is definitely a fine line between the two.

I don't want to feel hurt anymore. I don't want to need anyone anymore.

EP 24: New Treadmill

2010-11-08T00:34:00.001-08:00

What better way to motivate yourself to exercise than to bring the exercise to you?

Screw gym memberships, screw wearing gym outfits - bringing home an all-around work-out machine was just what I needed.

So I got it brand new off a bargain price from Canadian Tire with a lifetime's worth of warranty. Not bad at all if you ask me.

Hopefully this time, I don't go lazy since all I have to do is go downstairs, push the button, and run. That's it.

I've been really out of shape (most of my life I was) and I think this should be a worthy investment. I mean, it's about time that I at least try to get in shape because if you think about it, I'm basically at the prime of my life - this time should NOT be wasted.

So I hope things work out for the better (no pun intended).

EP 23: My Driver's License

2010-11-07T02:16:00.001-08:00

Finally! (insert smiley)

After failing that wretched test twice, I finally came through! Only by a hair though.

The previous two attempts were downright heart-breaking. Failing in something you've been doing (I've been driving back in my homeland for about 4-5 years now) for a while can really hurt your ego - and it did, big time.

Fortunately, I was able to gather what's left of my pride and actually practiced just days prior to the third test date. The night before: I basically wasn't able to sleep just thinking about the test.

But alas, after a long-winded conversation post exam, my driving examiner (coincidentally the same one from the last time I failed with), actually passed me! It was one of the few genuinely happy moments I had this year, for real. I actually gave her a hug.

I almost failed though, due to yet again, a random pedestrian coming out of nowhere (we don't look out for pedestrians back in my homeland!). However, I think out of pity and goodwill, she passed me! And she probably felt touched that I actually remembered who she was considering she was one big fat bitch and no one really remembers big fat bitches.

Bottom line, I passed and I'm so glad that it's over with. I now got my full license and I can now go places I wasn't able to go to conveniently, or at all!

EP 22: A Work (that I thought was) in Progress

2010-11-06T01:59:00.000-07:00

I've known this person for about three years now and this is the first time I am actually writing about her.

Out of everyone I know here in Canada, she's the closest I've been with and surprisingly, we are constantly staying in touch (unlike most other acquaintances). In retrospect, I've always seen her as a companion - we always watch movies together, eat out, go sightseeing, and pretty much anything you can think of doing in Greater Vancouver (except sky-diving).

I feel so comfortable whenever I'm with her and I could assume the same for her since she did mention it once or twice.

I've always been attracted to how she looks; albeit I never really tell her straight up - I usually resort to casual compliments which fortunately has not created an over abundance of awkward moments as of yet.

But now, I think I'm starting to fall in love with this person. After knowing someone for a long time, and spending countless moments and memories with someone, your heart tends to beat towards that person. I know this sounded very sappy but it cannot be helped.

I haven't told her this yet, nor do I know when I should (if ever I even would). And right now, I'm not exactly happy about how things are going.

More to come.

EP 21: 2 years later...

2010-11-05T03:10:00.000-07:00

It's been a very long hiatus indeed.

I've decided to write about my thoughts again because I feel that at this point, there is no one I can turn to - not even my so-called friends. Sometimes I wonder, do I really have any? Or are they just misnomers? I hate to be all emotional about it, but it can't be helped.

After 2 years a lot of things have happened/changed. Talking about all would require an autobiography of some sorts, which this blog isn't.

Right now I'm still stuck in college trying to finish my studies - still no luck finding that certain circle of friends you get in school. I thought I found one last semester, but to no avail, it wasn't what I had hoped for.

So after school I basically have no reason to stay, except if I were to wait for the bus which comes every half an hour. On a lighter note (rather, less dark), I met a few fantastic people; however, I could tell that it would be short-lived (just as any other).

It's funny how as I am writing this I feel that my first post after 2 years appears to be so negative. Well it's 3am right now and such thoughts can't be helped - considering the different things that have been/have NOT been happening.

Enough the rant, I hope things turn up for the better. Last chance 2010, last chance.

EP 20: The Christmas Entry

2008-12-25T07:21:00.000-08:00

Remembering what Christmas was like in the Philippines, and right off the bat I can safely say that the holiday here is completely different to that of my homeland. Except for being both commercially oriented, Christmas here in Canada is basically boring compared to its said counterpart.

Christmas in the Philippines is literally "brighter" than here in Canada - every single house is lit with hundreds and hundreds of Christmas lights.

Furthermore, the crowds are more rambunctious over there than here. This shows the tremendous passion the people have for Christmas over there compared to the people here.

And of course, the spirit. Christmas is more than just a holiday in the Philippines, it's a tradition. A strong family-oriented tradition. A time when families reunite under one roof and celebrate. A time when people transcend the notion of gift-giving, and embody the very spirit of love and care.

Thanks to my family, I still had an amazing holiday season this year.

Ep 19: The Birthday Entry

2008-12-20T21:39:00.000-08:00

Just a couple of days ago I had my birthday and turned 23. Yes, I am that old. I am 23 and I SHOULD not even have the time to write this. I SHOULD be too busy pursuing my career now. I SHOULD be busy analyzing data, traveling the world, reading this unearthly humongous textbook, or sleeping because I'm too tired. But no.

On a lighter note, I would like to thank every single one of you who greeted me. And if you haven't it's never too late - there's a shout-box below, or just click on my facebook profile page link below to greet me there! I'm talking to you, yes you!

It's an amazing feeling to find out how many people actually care about me considering that I have been staying home for almost half a year already - you'd think that they'd completely forgotten about you - it's nice to be proven wrong sometimes. That goes the same for the people a thousand miles away - you'd think that distance has taken its toll, but again I was proven wrong.

I would like to especially thank my girlfriend for her planned surprise for me during my birthday. I have never been surprised on my birthday so this is indeed a huge thing for me. For that, I thank her genuinely.

Happy Birthday to me.

EP18: Home Boy

2008-12-16T10:38:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been appearing to have too much time on my hands. It's annoying. The Semester's done (which didn't really take much of my time anyway), I quit my job, and I lost the will to go out. What do all these equate to? Yes, a Home boy. Term defines itself.

I believe it has been at least 5 months now since the transition of my lifestyle from someone who goes out all the time, to someone who stays home all the time. Yes, for 5 months the only reason I left the house was school (I even skipped most of the time) - almost literally as I ditched MOST parties and outings with friends.

Such a change in lifestyle had its benefits, as I was able to reestablish my health and sanity; however, such a change also has its toll.

As boring as it sounds, my girlfriend has been really supportive of me. On the other hand, I feel that I have been failing to (lack of a better word) "perform" my obligations as a boyfriend. This probably explains why she's been lately going out with her friends a lot more, because her friends are able to give her the time she wants out, the time I couldn't even provide. Although, we do hang out at my place a lot, I genuinely feel that I'm ridding her of the time she deserves to get out there.

She deserves more than a home boy.

Ep 17: Who's there?

2008-12-14T18:35:00.000-08:00

Finals week - the dreadful week that makes students like me(those who skip a lot) quiver with fear. Oh yes, it actually stresses me a whole lot just thinking of them, let alone writing the tests!

Times like these basically bring about pressure - huge pressure. Unlike in my homeland (most), the finals here hold a very crucial part of your final grade. In the Philippines, the finals were more of a test to basically find out how much you've learned during the course of a course (no pun intended); and it's basically some sort of a last ditch effort to pull up your grade a bit. Whereas over here, the finals are MOSTLY your grade! Ranging from 30 to 50 percent of your final grade, the finals are definitely forces to be reckoned with! Something to be pressured about indeed.

On a lighter note:

Who's that someone, who offered to come with me to the library, to study for hours under her own free time and will?

Who's that someone, who woke up earlier than usual, just to make it to the bus that goes to my school?

Who's that someone, who spent her "vacation" days as if she had finals of her own?

Who's that someone, who literally braved through the storm, got soaked by the rain, and was chilled by the piercing winds just to pick me up?

Who's that someone, who waited outside for hours, until I finish the very test she helped me prepare for in the first place?

And, who's that someone, who literally devoted all her time, just to see me through the finals?

The finals were indeed a huge load; however, it wasn't as dreadful as I initially portrayed it to be because of none other than that someone.

This entry is dedicated to her; although she may very well deserve more than just this entry, she, at the very least deserves my aforementioned gratitude.

Ep16: Thanksgiving

2008-12-08T18:48:00.000-08:00

Back when I was in my homeland I've always heard of "Thanksgiving" from cable movies and cartoon shows. ALL I knew then was that there was this Turkey to be slaughtered and to be served for dinner. That was basically IT.

Moving here, I've finally experienced (not celebrated) first hand what and where those TV shows were based from. Not much more to know about it besides the fact that such an occasion actually had two different histories, and are thus celebrated separately in the United States, and in Canada. This explains the occurrence of it twice in North America. It's more of a common name of a holiday for 2 countries, rather than a single holiday celebrated by 2 countries.

Recently I have discovered that people back home have been "celebrating" this said event. I mean, what the fuck? Why celebrate something that DOESN'T even have any roots in a country's history? I did my research on the matter; and Thanksgiving is celebrated in the US and Canada, because of certain respective episodes in their respective HISTORIES.

I mean, it's understandable to admire and look up to a certain country, but to actually emulate their very culture as if it's one's own is just (for want of a better word) sickening.

I mean, I admire Japan and all, but you don't see me wearing Kimonos or celebrate Kamikaze day or something.

I wouldn't mind if we really had our OWN thanksgiving, but to celebrate it at the exact same date as in other countries? Actually, doing more research, we DO have Thanksgiving in the Philippines, and it's on the 21st of September (NOT on the fourth Thursday of November), too bad no one knows about it!

I'm not trying to sound all Mr. Patriot here, it's just that I don't quite understand, or maybe I do (cough, colonial mentality, cough), and I just want to rant about it.

Don't even get me started on Halloween!

Episode 15: What the F?

2008-12-06T19:20:00.000-08:00

I got my essay back for my critical analysis essay of a novel. The novel's name doesn't matter just as much as it isn't known. I got a Big Fat F.

At that very moment I wanted to strangle my professor senseless. As much as I respect him and his accomplishments, I strongly believe that his grade is questionable. I'm not being narcissistic at all, although at times I can be. It's just that I put in a lot of effort doing this assignment of his and I really don't feel I deserve a measly "F."

Reading the novel alone was an arduous task considering that I don't really read novels of any kind. And coming up with a thesis only made matters worse. I won't even bother talking about the whole time-consuming process of completing the paper. Bottom line is, I worked my ass off.

This is a big blow to myself, to my ego, my self-esteem, and everything that lies in between. I like to write, I love to write. I have a passion for writing. Although I'm no writer, and I didn't take any formal education in writing whatsoever, I express myself through writing more than anything.

But as cliche as it sounds, and in the words of the great Tupak Shakur: "life goes on." And continue writing I shall.

I know I shouldn't be complaining, but what the F?!

Episode 14: Left Behind

2008-12-03T20:46:00.000-08:00

Every time I check on my friends back in the Philippines I can't help but feel left out.

Most of them have already finished school and/or are starting with their respective careers already, whereas I, have to redo post-secondary schooling all over again.

It's not that I envy them or anything of the sorts. If anything, I'm genuinely happy for them. It's just that reality is kicking in slowly and painfully as I realize how far behind I am.

I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to my peers, or to anyone for that matter.

I know I shouldn't, but not doing so doesn't necessarily alter the way I feel about things.

Episode 13: The Nostalgic Musician

2008-11-29T17:52:00.000-08:00

Straight up, I miss my band. It's been more than 2 years since the last time we played together. And the distance doesn't help at all. I don't see myself starting a new band mainly because here in Canada, the whole idea of a "rock band" isn't at all as widespread and popular as in the Philippines.

I just miss the feeling, the passion, and the intensity of having to perform in front of a huge (more often than not, small) crowd without holding back whatsoever. I just miss the company of my bandmates as we used to travel from place to place dragging our precious second rate musical instruments with us, just to manifest our presence even for just 5minutes. I miss the countless hours of practice in the studio, the thrill of composing a new song, or simply the random inside jokes we endlessly shared. I miss them all.

Here is the one and only video of our band playing our favorite and most popular song: The Yahoo Song.This is an amateur video and as you will notice you won't really see me at all.

And recently I just "made" a video for one of my favorite originals. It's basically the lyrics of the song with a translation in English since it was sung in our native language.

These two are my favorite originals and there hasn't been a day when I don't listen to either of these songs. They bring nostalgia, they bring hope, they bring happiness, and of course, they bring music to my ears.

So here's to you my band, for all the good times, the bad times, and the senseless times, all are cherished.

Episode 12: Twilight

2008-11-28T20:22:00.001-08:00

I just don't get it. This is getting way out of hand. FAN GIRLS and FAN BOYS alike - EVERYWHERE! I am not saying that such a so-called "phenomenon" has no right to gain such popularity. No, not at all. It's just that the movie Twilight has gained more popularity than it should have, more credit than it actually deserves.

For sure the book has created some sort of a "surreal undead dream guy person" whom girls (and guys) fantasize about. However, the movie just about TAKES THE CAKE.

I just don't understand how something can be so big so fast. It became too big, too fast. It even beat James Bond in the Box Office Charts. I mean, who beats James Bond? The Bond franchise has been there for decades, whereas this "undead guy" comes out of nowhere beating Bond senseless. Oh, and I'm not a fan of James Bond.

This basically shows the power of the bandwagon effect. Readers and non-readers, (a.k.a. posers) alike are blindly swayed by this undeniable trend. In general, people are foolish. Their actions are merely based on SOCIAL NORMS rather than PERSONAL CONVICTION. They're just as bad as those undecided voters during the U.S. Elections.

Oh, people can really get superficial. Put in an unknown "hot guy" and suddenly he's bigger than Brad Pitt and Hugh Grant combined. Such a fad is inevitably short-lived, just as Daniel Radcliffe's time was.

Episode 11: Oh no!

2008-11-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought it was getting better, I grew two new pimples. And to think that I just came from my doctor just a day ago. This gives me even more reason to doubt her dermatological capabilities.

So looking back this passed couple of days, let us figure out what might have caused (or helped cause) this breakout of mine. From what I recall:

I had one of those tasty Chicken Sandwich Treats from Burger King. (one of my all-time favorites so how can I resist?)
My family had pizza one night for dinner and as much as I declined my mom's offer, just the smell of fresh pepperoni mixed with oozing cheese coming right out of the oven was way more than I could possibly take!
And for dessert my brother took out some Milk Chocolate Chip Cookies from the fridge. It has been so long since my last bite, and I thought that having one wouldn't do so much harm. But I didn't have just one. Think: indulge.
I wasn't able to exercise at all lately because of the cold weather. And I do mean freezing cold, even inside! It makes me feel sleepy, and lazy, but that's not an excuse!
I slept late the other night, reasons ranging from unsuppressed emotional distress, a throbbing headache, and everything in between.
I drank less than 11 glasses per day. Not proud at all.

Moral of this entry, CONTROL YOUR CRAVINGS! Stick to the program!

Episode 10: Getting To Know You

2008-11-21T21:03:00.001-08:00

Just when you thought you know someone, you end up saying different things about them. You tend to believe the image portrayed upon you and actually absorb it into you, so much that whatever it is you believe in is already a "fact" for you, no matter what. But then again, just when you THOUGHT you know someone. Notice the word of emphasis.

It just is a pain to discover otherwise. A pain so hard to endure that all of what you blindly believed in, just goes out the window. You end up disbelieving everything, you end up taking back all the things that you said, and more importantly, you end up doubting the very person you thought you knew all a long. What a royal disappointment indeed.

Such a discovery demands an open heart and a mature mind as it proves to be extremely difficult to stomach. Such a contradiction deems unfathomable initially; notwithstanding, one should be strong enough to accept such an anomaly and hopefully, proceed with life as we know it.

This makes me think some more, do I really know you? Or do I just think I do?

Episode 9: Epic Fail

2008-11-21T20:29:00.000-08:00

Asking someone about their pimples, is just as rude as asking why an overweight person is fat.

You can argue that it's their fault since they don't care about their overall health and whatnot.

Yes you can, HOWEVER, a lot of people don't even know what "healthy" means and still get away with the appropriate weight or clear skin. This makes these two, conditions, rather than personal choices - just as how a person is allergic to the sun, or just as a person has schizophrenia.

I just wish I could get this message through every person.

I got ticked off yet again, as one of my so-called "friends" brought it up once again. She basically asked "what wrong was with my face?" Sympathy or not, she basically implied that I don't take care of my face that it was so obvious and that it was "wrong." I basically walked out right in that instant, leaving the whole group behind.

I felt really depressed afterwards. I mean, I cannot even show myself in front of my friends, let alone strangers. (i.e. future employers, schoolmates, co-workers) I can't even be myself with my friends for they keep bringing "my face" up. And by the way, this isn't the first time, this is like the "nth" time.

More so, I felt disappointed. As I invested a lot of money (thousands of dollars) on my face and still it's like nothing is even happening. I already changed my lifestyle and still people fail to see that. People fail to see all the sacrifice, the effort, the pain I've gone, and am going through. They think that I don't take care of myself whereas it is exactly the opposite.

It's not like I put dirt on my face!

Episode 8: Stupidity

2008-11-18T20:48:00.001-08:00

I came in school today as I would any typical school day. Only today sucked. I came in Math class today without ANY idea that I was suppose to write a Midterm exam! I came in and the silence of the classroom welcomed me along with the sound of scratching heads and of tapping pens. No use turning back - the teacher gave me the "why-are-you-late"(as always) look, gave me the test paper and directed me to my seat.

Just for the record, I did not study at all! Fortunately, it didn't turn out to be as bad as I thought. Thanks to the recent long assignment, I was a bit practiced for most of the test; however, I wouldn't expect a high grade at all this time.

I thought about.. believe it or not during the test I was contemplating on what went wrong. I could have known that the test was today, there was no excuse. I then blamed all the times I skipped class due to (for want of a better word) "unforced" reasons.

Yes I skipped a lot, more than I should have. But I did. Again, it all boils down once again to my acne problems. Often I wake up in the morning, just to see my horrible face - I completely lose the will to even leave the house, much less go to school. Yes It's an outrageous reason for "normal" standards. Well last time I check, I don't seem to be part of such a category.

I admit, it has gotten out of hand and as I said in an earlier entry, it has affected my life so much in a bad way. It is safe to say that the condition of my face dictates my very actions for the day. Yes it sounds far fetched but absolutely true on my account. If I wake up to see signs of improvement or whatnot, I feel like doing everything I can possibly do for one day; on the other hand, if I wake up to see the things I dare not mention nor want to see, I dare not do anything as well. It's tough really, as most mornings end up with the latter.

No one will argue if anyone would say that it's stupid. I know.

It's not just the sheer stupidity of not acing an easy exam, it's more of the stupidity of my decisions as a whole.

Sue me then.

Episode 7: Now and then

2008-11-15T17:57:00.000-08:00

I figured that I could temporarily turn this blog into a somewhat acne journal. Since it has been the issue I have been focusing on for so long; and just in case it gets cleared/healed, I would have a story to tell, or even, a cure to share.

From here on out, I will basically keep track of my "progress" or "retrogression" as the days and months go by.

As a preface to this pseudo-medical journal of some sort, I will basically list down the various activities and habits involved in my lifestyle, that according to my countless research, "caused" this mess I am in. So let's take a look shall we:

THEN

I used to ingest alcohol a lot. I was more than half way towards being an alcoholic. I basically drank at every chance that I got. What's more, is that I even created opportunities for me to drink. Bottom line is, I drank way too much.
I smoked regularly, not to the point of doing it every single day; however, I smoked more or less as much as I drank. And that itself explains everything.
I lacked sleep, or slept really late - and often, not sleep at all. Yes, trust me sleep is a huge factor because of all the imbalance of hormones and such during the wee hours of the morning. I won't explain in detail.
I almost NEVER ate fruits and/or vegetables. Not that they weren't available, I just chose NOT to. And all those missing fiber only made my alcoholic liver even worse.
In addition, there was a point in my life when I practically had McDonald's for almost nearly everyday for more than a year! I used to think that it never really bothered me since I never really gained any weight; however, little did I know that the negative effects of such an unhealthy lifestyle where directed to my face, rather than my weight!
I had a sweet tooth. I was so stupid before that I used to think that eating lots of sweets such as white chocolate, ice cream, brownies, cookies, and pop would allow me to gain some weight; and as I was frustrated as I never really gained a single pound from any of them, I was frustrated even more to see my face.
I lacked exercise. Although exercise should be done at the very least thrice a week, I was lucky to do it ONCE a week.
An unbalanced diet - in addition to the lack of fruits and veggies, I just had too much sugar intake, too much dairy, and too much animal protein. Without the fiber to go with such foods, a certain imbalance would occur; and consequently rupturing my face.

Well as you can see, I wasn't exactly the healthiest person in the world. And I am not at all proud of that. After countless research, over the counter products, so-called miracle cures, magic pills, frustrated attempts and whatnot, I have come up with a routine, or rather, more of a change in lifestyle in order to combat and finally be in control of my acne.

NOW

I literally stopped drinking alcohol or smoking. As in ZERO. Doesn't affect me at all, as I have completely nullified any cravings for such.
I practically stopped eating fast food products. In turn, resorted to home made healthy treats.
This may sound weird but I have invested a decent amount of my money to buy a good amount of fruits and vegetables. In other words I have basically turned into a semi-vegetarian. In every entree I include a proportional amount of fiber rich foods at the same time minimize the amount of rice I eat per meal.
I sleep early now. I make it a point to be in bed by at most 11, and be fully asleep by at most midnight. This ordeal is very tough as my body is very used to unhealthy sleeping habits, but I am working on it.
I do exercise daily now. From utilizing my gym set at home, to simply doing jumping jacks and push-ups (jogging outside is not an option because of this season's weather).
I drink tons and tons of water everyday. I make it a point to drink at least 15 glasses a day. I tend to urinate a lot, but better through the bladder than through my pores.
I literally stopped the intake of sugar-rich foods. As much as I miss them, I try my best to control my cravings.
Also, I am currently under treatment from a dermatologist. I undergo chemical peeling every three weeks and boy does it drain my wallet. Fortunately, improvements are evident which justifies further treatment.

As you can see, THEN and NOW are basically opposites of each other, but significant ones I might add. This is not just a phase or routine in order to cure acne, rather, this is my new lifestyle from now on. This is my last resort as I have tried literally everything you can sell over the counter, or the internet.

Here goes nothing! =)

Episode 6: The BIG problem

2008-11-09T08:17:00.000-08:00

Just as losing weight is a problem for an obese person, getting clear skin is, and has always been a huge problem of mine.

I have been struggling against acne for about 5 years now; and I didn't really mind it during the earlier stages since I've always thought that they were just a mere surge of hormones during our teen years. However, now that I am an adult, I have been worrying about it more than ever.

Just before moving here to Canada, it wasn't at all bad - having one or two pimples or blackheads, with occasional breakouts. But now my face is at it's all time worst. You'd think that acne would peak during adolescence but no - it had to be now... now that I should normally have been done with it. But took me long enough to realize, that I wasn't normal... at least my skin isn't.

I have tried countless over-the-counter products and medications, and as much as they work for other "normal" people, they didn't at all for me.

It got so bad that it started to affect the people around me. My co-workers would always ask me what's wrong with my face or point out that I have a zit and some even offered to pop them for me - that's how much it bothers them! Well not as much as it bothers me!

It also affected my friends. As some of them would politely point them out to me, which is just as bad as most who would bluntly tease me about it. I can't really blame them for it. They have clear skin - just as I tease fat people because of my endomorphism - they have every right to say whatever they please.

It has also affected my confidence as well, my overall self-esteem, and my costumer service. As a Manager in one of the busiest fast food restaurants in the world, I have to deal "face-to-face" with hundreds of people a day, thousands a week. I always requested to be in charge of the kitchen area instead of the front counter area so that at least I was in the back - hiding my face from the world; however, such a feeble request wasn't always put up with. And believe me was it hard - never have I felt the desire to end an 8-hour shift so bad. An 8-hour time span for that matter.

Furthermore, it also affected my interaction with other people altogether. More often than not I would decline an offer to go out or to receive guests. As far as my studies are concern, my interaction with schoolmates is minimized to the extent that I don't really know anyone, strictly speaking.

This problem has basically affected most of the aspects of my life - and I am not at all happy about it, not one bit. I feel that I am in a downward spiral that - every time I see my face, I lose the will to do something productive.

This has to stop, this has to end... please, for my sake.

To be continued...

Episode 5: Impulse101

2008-10-23T00:41:00.001-07:00

It took me this long to realize how much of a victim I am of impulse. I guess it's acceptable to be somewhat impulsive at a certain degree; however mine just about takes the cake. My impulsivity, as I would like to put it, has been the bane of what seems to be my already non-standardized life. It has gone up to a whole new level whereas not only my choices are immensely affected, but the people around me as well.

Where do these impulses come from? My insatiable hunger for something more appealing? My dissatisfied notion of how life is at the moment? My subconsciously envious nature towards various objects of materialism? Or rather, does it root from the irrepressible hormonal atrocities my body promulgates?

Reasons can range from all of them, some of them, most of them, to other explanations beyond me.

It's not really the case of "not thinking before one's acting," because I still end up "thinking" about the certain choice my impulsivity generates; however, the cognitive part of such an endeavor leans more towards to on how to do/perform/obtain that generated choice rather than merely deciding whether to engage in such a frivolous act or not.

In other words, I think of HOW to get it, instead of supposedly thinking whether to get it or not.

So what's a person to do while constantly "pseudo-consciously" succumbing to the overwhelming power of impulse? What's a helpless being to do victimized by the dominant influence of such a supposedly meager psychological force?

To be continued...

Episode 4: Moving in

2008-10-06T00:11:00.000-07:00

30 Days in after landing - my father, or rather, my father's good friend, found a place for us to live in. Yes, our very own place. No it wasn't a house, nor was it an apartment; it was sort of a room-like unit placed within a 4-story, hotel-like, elevator-equipped condominium.

The place wasn't too shabby at all. 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, a decent kitchen, a wide living room, with a fireplace to boot. Not to mention a balcony overlooking most of what surrounds the building just adjacent to the bedrooms.

The rooms weren't that big; however large enough to sleep in. Both had simply designed built-in closets while one of them, had a walk-in one, along with a bathroom inside. All windows had blinds by default and the doors had no locks at all. The walls along with the ceiling were freshly painted white and the floor was fully carpeted with a clean peach color.

Bathrooms each had a huge mirror on one side of them. One had a tub, while one had a shower closet. Generally the color scheme was pleasantly white, enabling a neat and clean feel upon entering the room.

The kitchen was well-equppied: a mircowave oven, a fridge, a dishwasher, an oven, a bunch of cupboards, a pantry, 2 sinks, and 4 various stoves. My mom would be pleased indeed.

The living room, which was easily the largest part of the "house," was basically empty space, carpet, and a fireplace. Oh yeah, there was a sort of a bay window at the far end of it where one could sit or even sleep on. Again, white white and more white... everything was pretty much white by default. It didn't bother me at all. I didn't mind white. At this point the place appeared to be really large and spacious. I wonder how it would look like once the whole family moves in and furnishes the place? I doubt it would seem as large and spacious anymore.

Not the most ideal place for a family of seven to live in; however, the place overall perpetuates a pleasant and welcoming atmosphere, and maybe, just maybe, this "unit" may very well be "home."

***

As I took pictures of the place, I realized how dull and lifeless the place was. It was empty. And as my family moves in the next day, there would be but cardboard boxes and fastfood to-go. This is a new start for us, our new home, and as the place implies - we have nothing, but ourselves to cling on. And as time goes by, we soon will gradually fill the place up... just as how we gradually grow into this new world of ours...

Episode 3: 365 days and counting

2008-05-19T23:48:00.001-07:00

It's funny how it took almost a year to post a new episode.

Forgive me as I will be quite general throughout the length of this "episode." This will provide me lots of room for "specifics" that would come in later ones.

It's been over a year now since I've come here. I don't even know where to start. So much has happened. So much has changed, and yet, so much has stayed the same. This entry is sort of a preface to the upcoming "episodes" as I would put it, regarding the different MAJOR events that had occurred during the year's span I've been here.

It was on the 1st of April I celebrated my 1st year anniversary here. This day proved to me once more how time flies incredibly fast. It was initially hard to believe all the things that I went through, all the endeavors I underwent, and all the hardships I endured.

But at the same time I felt a sense of accomplishment. A sort of peace of mind. A sort of pat on the back telling myself how far along I've gone - away from home, my home.

Yes it's been a year now - this day serves as a monument - a monumental day that stands as a margin. A margin that rids me of excuses of the so-called "ignorance" I brought with me when I first came here.

It's 365 days, AND counting.

Episode 2: Settling Down

2007-09-12T03:38:00.000-07:00

Nowhere else to go, my Dad, who was the only one with me at that point, decided to "live" with my Aunt who just about arrived a year before us, for now.

It was a simple apartment - a place to eat, sleep, and bath, nothing more, nothing less; but more than anything, it was my first "home." My uncle, who happened to be just about a year older, was the first person whom I considered my "peer." Let alone, a first friend, who also happened to be at work most of the time, or sleeping.

I practically only had one thing with me that kept me sane - my dad's laptop. TV wasn't much of a luxury mainly because it was broken at that time. And that one thing I had sadly led to countless disputes as to who would use such a marvelous piece of technology. In other words, my dad made sure that I didn't call it "my dad's laptop" for nothing.

It was basically boring by default, as I desperately (ab)used the internet much to my satisfaction. And chatting with my "peers" back at home, never felt THIS compelling.

Food was surprisingly abundant, as I had no worries of leaving some for my siblings or whatnot;it therefore allowed me to gain a substantial amount of weight over a short period of time. Surprising indeed.

I slept on the sofa, which by the way is pretty comfortable for just a sofa. I developed a liking to it, which eventually led to my constant declining of bed or sleeping bag offers. Back in my country, I've always wondered what the hell bed bugs were since you always hear them say on TV "don't let the bed bugs bite." - now I know.

Not the best of places, and certainly not the most non-boring place to be, but this was my first "home" away from home, all the way from home.

Episode 1: The Eagle Has Landed

2007-09-12T01:21:00.000-07:00

The flight was short, considering that I pretty much slept the entire duration of the trip. Landing brought about mixed emotions with anxiety topping the list, with excitement in the not-so-far-behind second.

After countless checkpoints and legal proceedings regarding my as I would put it, "moving," I finally crossed pass the boundary that are the gates of the airport and into the realm I know so little of but ironically prepared for so much.

It was cold. Too cold. My sweater wasn't half enough. I had to endure the chill piercing through my skin until an appropriate mode of transportation was accessed.

As much as I thought I knew, as I walk away from those doors, it was unacceptably evident, that I was about to embark on a journey that no amount of preparation would ever have made me what you call, "ready."

And everything, (re)starts here.